To Turn Back The Hands Of Time Part One From somewhere distant came the call, but she wanted nothing more than to ignore it, for here she had found deep sleep, deeper and cosier than any she had known before and it enfolded her deliciously in its compassionate embrace. Here then, here was where the pain ended and nothing was ever again brought to mind and dreams that began so far away were never to be remembered. Deep tranquil dreams where nothing stirred, and it was lovely, so lovely. Peaceable, warm and extremely pleasant and she didn’t ever want to be woken out of the soft blanket that surrounded her. But a sudden startling motion dragged at her, shaking her, and from far away she felt and ignored the feel of a firmness upon her shoulder, ‘Go away’ she heard a voice in her head say, ‘leave me be’ and knew it to be her own. Then came another voice, calling softly and growing louder, filling with anxiety and the shaking grew stronger, harder but she did not relate that it was to her whom the voice called, for the name was not her own, and she did not want to listen. "Wake up sleepyhead." "Just go away!" "It’s all over now." "Leave me be!" "Mrs Downing, come on its time to wake up." "I said go away!" The shaking grew ever more persistent, and the voice was full of distress. She heard it fully now, and the darkness, that beautiful tranquil place where she found such delight was receding, moving away out of her grasp, and she found herself suddenly horribly transported away from the darkness and into blazing shards of artificial light. She blinked several times, opening her eyes with difficulty. Oh to be back where she was, safe warm and snug inside the eternal womb. “That’s it Mrs Downing. Nice and steady now, you almost had me worried there for a moment.” She didn’t recognise the voice, but it was kindly, and firm hands eased her up and helped her to shuffle back against some pillows. She tried to speak, but her mouth was dry, and no words would come. “Here”, the kindly voice spoke and she felt a coolness against her lips, “Drink some water. Just sips mind.” The liquid felt wonderful on her dry throat, silky and cool. “Thank you” she croaked as the glass was pulled away again. “How are you feeling?” the kindly voice asked, but she could not put a face to the voice for her eyes had not become accustomed to the bright lights beyond. The voice bubbled forth with laughter, “Don’t try to say anything just yet Mrs Downing, you are still sleepy. Its terrible isn’t it? I bet you were having the best sleep of your life and then I come along and wake you up and then guess what?” the question remained unanswered, “I tell you to get some rest, and go back to sleep, stupid isn’t it? I bet you just love me? Never mind Mrs Downing, you just lie there and have another nap, I’ll wake you again in a while.” The words were almost lost to her, a garbled message that soaked into her tired brain like rain upon an arid land. She lowered her body carefully easing back against the pillows as tiny arrow heads of pain made her wince, but oh how lovely it was to sink her body back into the pit. How thankful she was when the well of darkness closed in on her again. Peace, comfort and tranquillity surrounded her once more and she smiled. ‘Oh welcome - perfect bliss.’ *** *** *** The smell of antiseptic came to her senses as Christina fought to lift her eyelids the second time. They felt heavy and it was difficult to focus when her eyes did eventually peep from beneath her golden lashes. Even her head hurt, and Christina struggled to free herself from the fog that threatened to suffocate her. Bit by bit she became aware of other parts of her body. Wiggling her toes sent a strange sensation straight to her groin, which in turn rebelled against the tentative probing quite violently. The sudden pain hit Christina hard and nausea rose in the pit of her belly causing her to gag as it reached her throat. Suddenly she felt the coolness of someone else’s limb supporting the back of her neck, an arm firm and a voice to accompany it, reassuring, “Here love let me help you.” Christina fell back against the supporting arm gratefully, feeling rather than seeing through her half closed lids someone pumping up pillows behind her and helping her to physically shift herself backwards. Everywhere hurt and Christina winced with even the slightest of movements. She wondered why. What had happened to her to cause so much discomfort and pain? “How are you feeling?” Came the gentle voice that Christina distinguished as having heard before. She struggled to raise her lids once more and focused on a white uniform with blue edging. “Terrible.” Christina croaked. It hurt her to speak. “Here just wet your lips for now, don’t drink any of the water until the room stops spinning.” The voice laughed, and Christina felt a cold glass pressed to her mouth and the welcome feel of even colder water brush her lips. Christina drew in some of the liquid, and coated the insides of her mouth with it before returning the water back to the glass. “Thank you. Why am I here? Was I in an accident?” She managed to ask her voice somewhat clearer now, and the pain in her parched throat had gone. “I think you should get some more sleep, you haven’t quite come out of the anaesthetic yet young lady. There’ll be plenty of time for questions later.” The voice had turned brusque but Christina did not argue for she did feel too tired to do so. She nodded just enough to reply and settled herself back against the pillows to sleep, not even aware when her eyelids closed over their welcome place once more. *** *** *** The sound of a baby crying woke Christina the third time, and the voice she had heard before accompanied by those same firm hands shook her awake, “Come on sleepy head it’s feeding time.” Christina shook herself awake, coming around slowly, her eyelids not quite as heavy as before, but still the disorientating feeling persisted of not knowing or understanding where she was. She blinked rapidly, accepting the arm that bolstered up her pillows as before and helped her to shuffle back against them and again Christina winced. “Sore huh? It can get like that with a caesarean section. Still it could have been worse. Just be thankful it wasn’t your first.” Christina said nothing but her eyes spoke volumes. Fully focused now, she saw the nurse laugh, “Still don’t remember huh? Well sorry to be the barer of bad news, but welcome to motherhood.” Christina gasped, and watched as the nurse nodded with a smile that transformed her face, “Sure thing Mrs. Downing you are the proud mother of these two baby girls here. Aren’t they just adorable?” For the first time Christina noticed the cot situated just behind the nurse. Two pink blankets wrapped around slightly moving forms, and Christina felt a sudden rush of fear sweep through her, “They’re mine?” she queried hoping for denial. “They can’t be mine.” The nurse beamed, “Sure are. All twelve pounds between them. Your husband sent word he would be in later. Will he be bringing the older child? What is it a boy or another little girl?” It was clear by her countenance that Christina was confused. The nurse quickly noticed, “Hey have I said something wrong?” “You’ve said everything wrong. Pardon me, but I know nothing of these.” Christina swept her arm aside indicating the babies in the cot that the nurse had now wheeled beside her.” And my name isn’t Mrs. Downing. I’m not even married.” Christina’s eyes grew wide with anxiety. Had she been in an accident and they’d found someone else’s identification on her, but how? The nurse was concerned, Christina saw from her badge that her name was Staff Nurse Pierce as she leaned over to take Christina’s temperature. “I shouldn’t worry Mrs Downing amnesia is quite common after an anaesthetic. Your memory will soon return, but I’ll just ring for the doctor to take a look at you anyway. Did you want to see your babies?” Christina looked down at the cot. She felt nothing for the two tiny babies she heard crying there. Yet something pricked at the fringes of her mind, although it was too distant to grasp. The nurse was concerned, even people with a memory loss could never fail to react to new-born babies. Something was certainly very wrong here. Though all Christina Downing’s vital signs seemed fine. She couldn’t understand it, “You just wait here honey, don’t worry, I’ll leave the babes with you, but I won’t be gone long.” She hurried away, hoping against hope, that by the time she returned Christina Downing would be cuddling at least one of her two daughters. In her absence Christina stared down at the two pink bundles. The nurse had told her that the babies were hers, but Christina had no recollection of any of this. Not only of giving birth, though she could not deny this, if the pain of her undercarriage was anything to go by, but also of anything else. Nurse Pierce had spoken of a husband. Christina had no recollection of any man being her husband. Nor did she have any recollection of having given birth before. In fact the very thought was laughable. But she didn’t feel like laughing. Right now she was frantic. ‘What on earth was going on?” Laying her head back against the pillows, Christina closed her eyes, allowing images to come, any image no matter how small, something that she could build from. For long moments there was only images cast there by the sounds around her, mainly pictures from TV series. Emergency wards she had seen on the screen, and then something pricked from far away, inspired by the pervading scent of antiseptic. Deep in her mind Christina could see a man lying upon a bed. Tubes sticking out of him everywhere. And she could see herself holding his hand, talking to him, but gaining no response or that he heard her. And the feeling of desolation that swept over her at the time and the grief that followed. Who was that man? Christina felt close to him, a part of him. Was he her husband? Did he have some life threatening disease? Had he been badly injured at some time? Try as she might, Christina could gain nothing more from that memory, neither could she completely grasp the sight of the man’s face. It appeared hazy, as did the other things. Christina dwelt inside herself again. There was something else. It was far away, almost unreachable. But as if the light of a flickering candle were inside her head Christina could grasp images. And the candle flame bent this way and that, shining on a piece here and a piece there, until with a jolt of surprise Christina realised that it was the actual candle that she was looking at, watching as it picked out the shadows from beyond. What all this meant Christina had no idea, and her head ached from thinking. She pushed the memories firmly away. It was the here and now that was important. The two babies at her side were crying heartily now, and Christina reached down to pull one to her. It hurt to move, but even as she shifted, her night gown grew wet and if she did not believe it before, the sign of colostrum leaking from her own breasts convinced her that she was indeed mother to these two little girls. A sudden overwhelming rush of love grasped her and Christina unfastened her night-gown and helped one baby latch on to her nipple like she had done it every day of her life, and glorified in the knowledge that she was giving life sustaining nourishment to one so dependable upon her. Staff Nurse Pierce, chose that moment to make her appearance and the picture Christina presented pleased her no end. Her smile lit up her whole face; “Oh I am glad.” She gushed, “Here let me help you put the other baby to your other breast. You will find it unusual at first, but it becomes easy in time, and you will appreciate feeding them both at once, otherwise you are going to feel a bit like a milky bar. By the time the second one is fed and changed it will be the first one’s turn again. Believe me you will be a wreck inside of a week.” Christina nodded wordlessly. Even if she had of been able to speak she would have found no words to express how she felt right at that moment. Tenderness didn’t even come into it. Cherish was one word that sprang to mind, but how to fit that into a sentence was quite another. Christina’s eyes sang of her joy however and Staff Nurse Pierce thrilled to the sight, “The doctor will be along shortly. But he said not to worry Mrs Downing, as I said before amnesia often affects those who have had to have an anaesthetic. Don’t worry honey everything will come back to you in time. How old is your other child?” Christina found her voice, “I don’t have another child. I’ve never had a child before. At least not that I know of. What’s happening to me? Why can’t I remember?” Christina panicked and the two babies shifted in her arms, letting go of both of her nipples simultaneously to let fly a hearty yell of distress. “Try not to upset yourself Mrs Downing, it upsets the babies. There now.” The nurse took one of the two babies from Christina and rocked it gently, settling it down and switching the babies to alternate breasts. “I think they were about finished anyway, but it will be more of a comfort to you to be completely emptied on both sides. Your milk will let down in about forty-eight hours. For now this gooey substance that feeds them coats the insides of their intestines and their new little tummies ready for the onslaught of the milk to come. Of course its not milk that upsets them, its whatever you eat that goes into the milk that could upset their delicate stomachs.” Christina nodded, hardly hearing a word. She had slipped away again, her mind delving deep inside her to that other time. Snatches of memory were forcing their way through that threatened to haunt her; to choke her to cut off the breath from her body and followed by a heartache so colossal that nothing else in the world mattered anymore. *** *** *** How had it happened? It had seemed so real and so much had taken place. It couldn’t possibly have been a dream. Oh but if it was? Christina felt sick inside. To think that the secret world did not exist, that there were no tunnels beneath the streets, and that there were no people living down there, happily and in peace. And most of all, most of all, he did not exist. Oh please God no, let it not be a dream. Let it not be that the life she saw before her now was the only reality. She didn’t think she would ever get through life if it was. In comparison to all she had dreamed there was nothing. Nothing, absolutely nothing. The world before her stretched away into emptiness. How would she survive it? Alone? Without him? A world with no Father, no Mary, no Geoffrey, no Jamie, no Mouse, no…Vincent! Tears began to flow as if they would never stop. A world where she wasn’t the assistant District Attorney, a world where she wasn’t Catherine Chandler, daughter of the wealthy Charles Chandler. Surely she was dreaming now? Surely she would wake up and find herself in her beloved tunnels with him. With Vincent? Surely it hadn’t all of been a dream? It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be. Could it? *** *** *** Hours later as the two babies were sleeping Christina was dozing. Her head hurt from all the thinking she had done and she found it impossible to sleep. Nothing made any sense to her. Her life as it stood seemed so unreal, yet she had to believe it was reality if she was to keep her sanity. Everything else just had to have been a dream. A beautiful wonderful dream and that was all it had been. But oh it had seemed so real! That other life. And even her own name was alien to her. She had asked about that, but Nurse Pierce had given her no indication as to why she could not even recollect her own name. She just told her not to worry, as everything would come right in time. But Christina was extremely confused and when a man she had never seen before popped his head around the door, his face obscured by a huge bunch of roses, Christina was even more perplexed. “Hello darling.” The man approached, settling the roses into her arms, and leaning forward to press his lips to hers, “How are you feeling?” Christina stared at him and for long moments he stared back. His eyes registering hurt confusion and then concern. “Don’t you know me?” he asked somewhat shakily. Christina shook her head; “I’ve never seen you before.” “I’m your husband!” He cried. “It’s Jeff, you remember me, you know the good looking one in the family?” he joked and was pleased at least to see her smile. “That’s better honey. You looked so miserable lying there.” “I feel miserable. Jeff, whoever you are, I’m sorry but I don’t remember anything at all. They tell me its something to do with the anaesthetic but that wore off hours ago. I feel as though I am living someone else’s life here.” Jeff was clearly distressed. “I don’t know what to say baby.” He told her sincerely. It was true he was at a loss as to know where to start. “You could help by running me through everything. The nurse can tell me so little.” “What do you want to know?” “Everything. Who I am, who you are, how we met, what you do for a living, where we live. Who our parents are, anything and everything. Something must jog my memory.” Christina exasperated. Jeff drew up a chair, and took one of her hands in his. “Your name is Christina Downing, and I’m your husband Jeff. We’ve been married one year tomorrow, as it happens, and this is the best anniversary present you could have given me my love.” He held her hand to his mouth and kissed each fingertip, before continuing, “Before we were married you were Christina Cunningham. We met when you were working in a diner as a waitress. My first wife had left me and taken my children with her. Her name is Rosa, and I have two other little girls, Laura and Rebecca. You’ve met them and Rosa and you get on fairly well together. We live in the suburbs of Seattle the city where it rains nine months of the year.” He laughed then remembering that was the way she referred to the place where they lived. “You’ve never mentioned your parents, always spoken of them in the past tense. I presumed they were dead. My parents live quite close to us. My father Jack makes you laugh, and my mother Freda taught you how to cook and care for a home.” “I never knew?” Christina cried. Jeff smiled at her. “Someone neglected your education in that area. You manage very well now.” He chuckled remembering the burnt toast, the charred saucepans, still this wasn’t the time to pick on her faults, he continued, “After we married last year you fell pregnant almost straight away. We live in a nice house with three bedrooms, and we have one dog, a golden retriever named Ben, and a grey and white cat named Smoky. Actually darling you have a thing about cats. It seems that half the neighbouring cats have an affinity toward you or you with them. Whatever, Smoky is always bringing her friends home and you feed them kippers and play with them all. Does that ring any bells?” He smiled and watched her eyes for any sign of recognition. Kipper, cats, kipper, cats, the two words flew around Christina’s mind. Nothing else mattered and those two words made no sense at all but Christina knew they were a key to something. But what? “There is something isn’t there?” The delight in Jeff’s voice showed. Christina nodded, “Yes, but it makes no sense.” “Tell me maybe I can help you.” Christina laughed, this would sound so ridiculous, “The two words that mean anything are kipper and cat’s.” She laughed nervously feeling ridiculous. Jeff’s face creased into a smile. “I suppose I should feel offended. Rosa always did say you cared more for the cat’s than you did for me.” Christina felt a bout of annoyance sweep through her. If this was her husband then such a feeling was well placed on mention of his ex-wife. At least that knowledge gave her hope. He must mean something to her then. Jeff was speaking, “You used to go shopping, and forget all manner of things on the shopping list, but you never forgot the kippers for the neighbourhood cats. We might run out of milk and eggs, but the refrigerator was always full of kippers.” He laughed again, “You and those bloody cats Christina, it became a long standing argument with us. No wonder you remember that above all else.” Christina didn’t seem to notice that his tone was tinged with anger, all she could think of was his explanation to kippers and cats, and somehow his reasons did not ring true. No there was something else, some other reason as to why those two words meant something she was certain of it. Besides that ever-flickering candle resumed its dance in her head and somehow the word Kipper fitted along with its existence. She didn’t know about the cats though. It wasn’t so much as cats she could see, but rather a cat’s face if that made any sense. She felt she shouldn’t trouble Jeff with this however, she didn’t know why, but something told her she must keep it to herself. “So, you remember nothing else?” Jeff sounded tired, exasperated, hurt. “No nothing. I’m sorry Jeff.” Even his name sounded strange on her lips. He noticed. “What is it?” “Your name, it sounds so strange to me.” “Maybe that’s because you rarely use it. You generally call me honey or darling. As I do with you.” He sounded irritated. And though he made her feel awkward and sad, everything he was telling her was as if a stranger was speaking to her about the life of someone else. It had nothing to do with her. There was also something, something at the back of her mind words uttered long ago that had meaning now, Christina could hear herself saying them, ‘That life isn’t mine anymore.’ But whom had she been speaking to, and what had she meant? Christina sunk back against the pillows. If she thought any harder her head would burst, she was sure of it, her temples pounded with pain. Jeff was looking at the babies, his attention drawn from hers. She knew she had hurt him, but there was nothing she could do about that. She could find no feelings for him; he was a stranger to her. And that made her feel terrible. Here she was a mother with twin girls, and there he was the father of those same twin girls, but she felt nothing for him. And certainly had no recollection of ever making love with him. Where did they love? Where had the babies been conceived? Not that it mattered really for the proof of their sex life lay beside her wrapped in pink blankets. But if she could just remember anything no matter how silly or how small, then perhaps she would remember everything in time. Thinking as hard as her mind would allow, Christina focused upon the candle and the word kipper and then tried to imagine loving Jeff. Slowly the swirling vortex opened to a view. It was dark, somewhere dark, and a small light shone to one side of her. There was just enough light for her to pick out a form. Someone was with her, someone hurt, someone she felt great affection for. Christina could feel the rising tide of panic, and she heard herself scream a name. Yes it was there. Sharp, piercing. She could hear it reverberating in her own ears, off the walls, the echo travelling around and behind her, she could hear it, and the name brought great joy flooding through her heart, but it was just a dream wasn’t it? There she was again, her whole life steeped in a dream. Would she never be able to put it behind her? Would she never be able to remember who she really was, or would that dream insist that she was really a part of the life it represented? It was all so confusing. Christina wondered if anyone in that dream meant anything to her now. Maybe she had dreamed about people she knew and had fitted them into the dream. She had to know or she’d go nuts. “Whose Vincent?” she asked Jeff suddenly, and at the same time wishing she hadn’t. Her mind told her she shouldn’t mention the name to anyone. Jeff looked back at her. The fingers of each hand were clutched within each baby’s hand, and he was reluctant to pull away. “Vincent?” he queried, “I don’t know why?” Christina shook her head. Hoping he would forget she had asked and relieved when that’s what he seemed to do. He had turned his attention back to his daughters, softly speaking to them. “Have you thought of a name?” his sudden question startled her given her train of thought, but she relaxed when he explained, “Perhaps you don’t remember even that.” He sounded annoyed and this time Christina noticed. “Christina we knew you were expecting twins, we decided to chose a name each. So have you thought of one?” He was annoyed she could tell. Tears pricked at the back of her eyes. This wasn’t her fault, couldn’t he understand how hard this was for her? “You haven’t have you?” his voice rose. “You’ve just laid there feeling sorry for yourself, and haven’t thought about our daughters at all. It’s just as Rosa said, you care only about yourself.” Christina could not reply. She wanted to yell, I do not, but she didn’t know if that were true with not remembering anything about her life with him. But she did know that she felt anger rising with every mention of that woman’s name. “Perhaps you should let Rosa choose one.” She snapped. “And now you are being childish. They’re our daughters, what right would Rosa have for naming one of them? Christina listen to me,” he shook her shoulders, “snap out of this. You have only had a caesarean for goodness sake! Thousands of women do every day, but they remember everything well enough. You know what I think?” Christina had a feeling he was about to tell her whether she wanted him to or not. “I think you don’t want to remember.” “And why shouldn’t I?” she asked. “Because Rosa has been spending time at our house while you were in here, looking after Laura, Rebecca and me, and you are jealous.” So I should be, Christina thought, but instead asked him, “How long have I been in here for?” He stared down at her with disbelief, his lips drawn into a thin line in his anger. “Oh ask the hospital!” He flared and made to leave stopping in the doorway to come back and snatch up the bouquet of roses. “You don’t want these Christina. You have never wanted anything from me. I’ll give them to someone that will appreciate them.” “Rosa you mean?” Christina flared as her eyes filled with tears. “Oh grow up Christina!” He left her shaking. His raised voice waking the babies and they began to whimper louder and louder until they cried heartily. Christina placed her hands over her ears. At that moment, if she hadn’t of felt so sore, she would have gladly followed Jeff out of the door and never have looked back. *** *** *** Popping her head around the door Felicity Kendrick was happy to see that Christina was awake and called a cheery greeting, “Chris, Hi there. So this is where they have been hiding you.” Christina turned her head, her eyes at first showing disinterest, “I know you don’t I?” It was the first time in many days that Christina had recognised anyone. “Sure do. Jeff says you don’t remember anything though nice touch Chris. Did you plan it?” Felicity laughed gaily her grey eyes lighting up as she flopped herself down in the chair alongside the bed. Despite herself Christina smiled, “ I don’t remember anyone, except you, and that’s coming back to me more now, you’re Fliss aren’t you?” “Yes and best of friends too. We tell each other everything, and I mean everything. So is it true? Come on you know you can trust me Chris. Have you really lost your memory?” Christina nodded, “I can’t remember anyone. It’s been so frustrating. Why then do I know you?” It didn’t seem to make any sense. “As I said we are best of friends, and you have told me things that you have never told Jeff.” Christina nodded again, “Isn’t that funny. I know I can trust you. I know I’ve confided in you, but I can’t remember the things I have told you. Its like anything to do with my husband is a huge void in my life. Its so frustrating.” “It’s a blessing in disguise if you ask me Chris, that’s if you really can’t remember. You and he were never really happy. Well in the beginning maybe, but things turned sour when Rosa returned on the scene, which wasn’t long after your marriage. Seems that she didn’t want Jeff while he was free, but the moment he remarried, she didn’t want anyone else to have him either. She’s a right conniving little bitch I can tell you. She certainly made your life a misery. Its little wonder you want to remember any of that.” “Maybe that’s the reason.” Christina commented, “perhaps it’s a protective thing, maybe my mind won’t let me remember so that I can no longer be hurt if things were as bad as you imply they were.” “You’d better believe it honey and I’m saying nothing to remind you either. Let it be buried in the past. Tell you what though, one thing you did ask me was to keep an eye on the old cow while you were in here, I’ve done that, and believe me Chris, I have all the proof you need if you want to divorce the slime ball.” Christina laughed. In the few days she had met her husband she had called him many things, but slime ball just about topped it. He fitted the description perfectly. “So tell me about my life excluding the rotten things.” She asked her friend. Felicity pulled a face; “There’s not much to tell. I’ve known you for about four years. We are neighbours and that’s thanks to my showing you a house that was for sale next door to me. Before that we worked together as waitresses in the same diner. I’ve been there for donkey’s years, and known Jeff for half that time, but you just seemed to pop up out of nowhere. This isn’t the first time you’ve had amnesia Chris. At least that’s the way it seemed at the time. You knew things about yourself, but there was never any emotion in the things you spoke of. Everything you said was so clinical.” “Like what?” “When we first met, I asked you things about yourself, your family, background, hobbies, things like that, and you replied, told me everything that I needed to know, and possibly everything that you knew, but it was as if you were reeling the facts off of a list. It always seemed so unreal. And you know Chris, when we spoke of experiences and things like that, I might say, something like, Oh I remember a time when…blah, blah, blah, and go off about something, but you, well you never came out with anything like that. It was all so weird at first. I got to thinking in the end, that you were either hiding some great secret or you had forgotten your past or something.” Christina was silent for several moments dwelling on these things. Vaguely she could remember those conversations. “I do have difficulty remembering anything since the day I left hospital actually.” She murmured not realising she had spoken aloud. “Hospital? Why were you in hospital?” Felicity was surprised. In four years Christina had never mentioned this. “Pardon, what hospital?” “What is this, you can’t have forgotten already? You just said you have difficulty remembering anything since leaving hospital. When were you in hospital?” Christina rubbed her forehead; “I said that?” Drawing her brows together she looked so confused. “Hell Chris what is this? I think you need someone to help you.” A picture raced through Christina’s mind just then, she gasped. “I was in a hospital, but nothing like this one. When I left there I was ushered away in a limousine and taken to a clinic I think.” Christina drew her brows together thinking hard, “I wish I knew why.” “That is so weird Chris. Were you in some kind of accident?” “I don’t know. I can only remember bits of it.” “You’ve never spoken of your folks Chris, could they have owned a limo?” “If they did or if they do, they have never visited me since. I don’t know Fliss, I just don’t know, and it hurts my head to try. Whatever happened to me, wherever I come from I just don’t know. It does my head in. It seems that I’ve not just lost one past but two, can you imagine how crazy that is?” “I can, though its never happened to any other person I know, I can see how a thing like that would drive you insane, if you let it. You mustn’t let it Chris. Whatever the past, it’s the present that is most important for now. You asked me to keep an eye on Jeff and Rosa do you remember?” Christina found that she didn’t but she nodded nonetheless. “Well I did that for you. Seems Rosa can’t leave her ex-husband alone. Her car has been present outside your house the whole while you have been in here, and I’ve seen the two of the silhouetted beyond the drapes at night just before they turn out the lamps.” “I don’t know why, but knowing what I know now, I have to say that doesn’t surprise me. Fliss was I happy?” “No. He led you a merry dance Chris. Was never home when he said he’d be, had all the excuses on God’s earth, you never trusted him Chris, and then there were the jibes about Rosa said this, and Rosa said that. You were never Rosa’s most favourite person, I can tell you despite what Jeff led you to believe. Most times we concluded that he wanted to believe that the two of you were bosom buddies he was always shoving you and Rosa together believing that a great friendship had developed between the two of you. I think you both rather allowed him to believe it was working, while deep down inside the two of you loathed one another.” “What are the other children like? His and Rosa’s daughters?” “They’re nice kids, obviously take after Jeff’s parents, who are wonderful people. How they came to get a son like him beats me. You get on well with them, but then so does Rosa. I think they only want what’s best for their son really and whomsoever makes him happy at the time has their favour.” “Earlier you spoke of divorce, have I ever mentioned it before?” “And then some! Don’t know where you’d go though, you don’t know anyone but me, and I live next door, and hell I’d miss you kiddo.” Christina gasped, her head reeling, and stared wide-eyed at Felicity. “What? Chris what’s the matter?” “I don’t know, for a moment there I had a flash of memory, it came and went so fast I couldn’t grasp it. Oh Fliss what am I going to do?” “It must have been something I said.” Felicity spoke as if to herself thinking back on her words. She’d said nothing out of the ordinary though. “Do you know anyone other than me?” she asked, it was all she could think of. “I’m beginning to wonder, but if I do how on earth do I find them if I don’t even know who they are?” “Look let’s get off the merry-go-round shall we? We were talking about your divorce.” Christina nodded. Then her face grew grim. ”I’ve these to consider now.” She pointed to the babies that were laying in their cots to one side of her bed. “ I can’t just up and leave, I don’t even know if I could now.” “You could leave them with Jeff.” “No I couldn’t do that. When they were born I couldn’t connect with them. I couldn’t even remember being pregnant, but these last few days I have grown to love them, and I couldn’t imagine my life without them now. So I guess that’s it, I’m trapped, for Jeff will certainly want them as well.” “I wouldn’t be so sure about that if I were you. Jeff is old fashioned.” Felicity laughed, “You once called him King Henry the Eighth.” Christina grinned, “I did, why?” “He’s always wanted a son. Rosa has had two girls by him, and he had a live-in girlfriend before Rosa who also has two girls by him, and now you have given him two girls. Looks like if you don’t watch out, he’ll have you beheaded and move on to another Mrs Downing and keep doing so until he gets the son that he’s dreamed of.” “He mightn’t need to get me beheaded. I think certified would be more appropriate. Why can’t I remember any of this? Besides if what you say is true then why is he hanging around Rosa again? And why is a son so important?” “He’s always wanted a boy. Something to do with an heir to the throne I think.” Felicity laughed, “that and the fact that his grandfather’s will expressly demands it. No heir, no inheritance I believe, although that’s only what we have read between the lines from things Jeff’s parents have let slip. Really though it doesn’t make any sense does it? But its true Chris and if I were you, I’d divorce him, take your daughters and run. I hear New York is nice at this time of year.” “New York! Why New York?” “You mused about it once.” “I did?” “Yes said you’d love to go there.” “But it’s at least four thousand kilometres away.” “I know, but you were flipping through a travel brochure and your attention was diverted by a photo of Manhattan Island and you just went all funny about it.” “Such as?” Felicity shrugged, “I dunno, kinda weird that’s all. First you kept staring at the photo, and then when I asked why, you said you didn’t know, but the place just appealed to you. I couldn’t see any difference to Seattle really, after all it wouldn’t be like going to Florida for the palm trees and sunshine would it?” Christina gasped again, as another image flew through her mind. “There you go again, what did I say this time?” Christina shook her head; “I can’t explain it. Certain words that you say seem to trigger some meaning, like when you said Kiddo back there and Sunshine a moment ago. It happened a few days ago too, when Jeff spoke of kippers and cats. These words seem to dredge up something from the past and are as elusive as willo the wisp. I can’t hold onto them long enough to grasp their meaning. And there’s another thing I had this weird dream before I came round from the anaesthetic. It seemed so real, and all these things that give me flashes of insight seem to fit into the dream. It drives me nuts. I mean were these things part of my life and that triggered the dream, or do those things remind me of the dream? It was so lovely Fliss, I’d give anything for it to be real.” “I would say everything will return to its proper place in time. Look I think we have done enough talking for today. Just try to get some rest huh? And promise me you’ll do the decent thing and divorce Jeff. It makes sense Chris, and while you have this amnesia thing you will have less heartache from doing it believe me. Once you remember your heartstrings will get the better of you and you won’t do it, and then where will you be huh? Back to square one. Believe me Chris, you’re having this amnesia is a blessing in disguise. I’ll see you tomorrow huh?” Felicity bent to kiss Christina’s cheek, and patted her hand, before walking to the door, but Christina called her back, “Wait Fliss, there’s something I have to tell someone or I will go nuts.” Felicity walked back towards the bed, her concern evident “You worried about something Chris?” “Yes. You know all this talk about divorce has got me thinking, that and another thing..." She hesitated wondering if she should say anything to anyone really. ”What other thing?” Felicity sat at her side taking one of her hands in her own, and stroking it softly, Christina could see that her friend’s concern was genuine. Christina took a deep breath, “The consultant tells me that these aren’t my only children.” She waved a hand to encompass the sleeping babies in their cots, and Fliss followed her gaze. “I don’t understand. I thought you said you hadn’t been pregnant before?” “I didn’t think I had.” “And now?” “And now, apparently I have given birth at least once in my life, about four or five years ago actually. But Fliss I remember nothing of this!” Christina’s voice rose hysterically. “Oh Fliss when I think of that it tears me to shreds. Who on earth am I? Why can’t I remember, and supposing I was already married? You know that would make me a bigamist don’t you? Whatever would Jeff make of that?” Felicity drew in a long breath and let it out sharply. She didn’t know what to say. Christina waited for her friend to say something, concerned when she did not. “Say something Fliss?” “I don’t know what to say. It’s awful. Whichever way you look at it, it’s like an ever-increasing circle, a ripple on a pond. You think of one thing and it leads to another and another and so on. If you’ve another child out there somewhere, then somewhere there must be people looking for you. You mentioned being in a hospital Chris, would it have been the same place as where you gave birth? Did the child die, was that why you can’t remember anything? Did it send you insane and you had to recover at a clinic? There are so many loose ends Chris. I can see why it would drive you nuts honey.” Christina nodded, as tears formed in her eyes, “And what if I was already married, where was my husband when all this was going on? Even if I wasn’t married then where was child’s father? Oh Fliss, I don’t know what to do.” Her voice rose again and the two women hugged one another seeking comfort. Felicity’s mind was in turmoil. To think that she was unable to have any children and here was Christina with two that trapped her into a marriage she didn’t want and with the knowledge of having another child that she could not remember. Life was so unfair. “I don’t know Chris, but I’ll do everything in my power to help you, you only have to say what you need and its yours.” Christina nodded slowly as a plan formulated in her mind, “Thank you Fliss. I might just take you up on that.” *** *** *** To be continued in part two.